Baby hands… made of soap.

The product page quotes Neil Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline”:

hands…, touching hands, reaching out, touching me, touching you

…which just makes me think of cow tongue. That disgusting thing in the grocery store’s meat case that always makes you wonder if, while tasting it, it would be tasting you back.

Just think of how great these things will look once they’ve been used a bit, worn down and missing a few fingers.

Reality check: washing up with a box full of severed hands is not cute, and making them infant hands instead of adult hands doesn’t change a damn thing. No one wants to come to your house and see a basket full of baby hands in the bathroom. Remember Ed Gein? The guy had a bowl of (real) human ears on his kitchen table. No one thought that was cute. You might be able to skate on this if your entire decor is death and doom, or if it’s Halloween and you cover the wrists of these things with faux blood. Otherwise, I’m going to think you’re a moron and ask where your Peekaru is.

What’s next? The ultimate creepy-baby gift pack: Frighteningly ugly newborn dolls made of soap and packaged with a Peekaru for the low price of $800 + the last shred of your humanity. Wal-Mart will eat that shit up.